The Broadband Connection
by Jonathan R
Summary: Someday we'll find it. The broadband connection. The lovers, the Griffins, and me. (Guaranteed to sound like an actual episode! Read 'n review and see for yourself)
1. part 1

"The Broadband Connection" by Jonathan R

(Family Guy, Kermit the Frog, and all other references are owned by their respective owners.  Not much of a disclaimer, but it'll do.)  

This fanfic is guaranteed to sound like an actual episode or your money back!  (How many other fanfics have a warranty like that??)

Part I of III, because we have to pause for commercials.

Peter is watching "The Osbournes" on TV.

Ozzy says "SHARON!  SHARON!"

One of Ozzy's kids comes into the kitchen.

Ozzy mumbles, "Could you, um, find out where the [bleep bleep] Sharon went to?  Can you do that for me, Kelly?"

"I'm Jack," says the kid.

"SHARON!!!" shouts Ozzy.

Peter, who's watching TV, says the following: "[bleep bleep bleep bleeeeeeep]"

[Cue opening theme/credits]

The Griffins are at the Quahog Flea Market "where the merchandise is almost as worthless as the people who bring them in."

"Isn't this exciting, Peter?" asks Lois to her husband, as they walk past booths of every kind and sort…including a John Wilkes Booth selling Abraham Lincoln dolls with bullet holes in them.  "It's not very often we go to a flea market like this."

"Pshh, yeah, right," scoffs Peter.  "This is like a giant garage sale for people who are too stupid to avoid competition."

To prove that point, a man behind Lois and Peter says, "Hey, would I interest you two in an authentic battle axe?  Only $15."

"Oh yeah?" says the man in the next booth.  "I'll sell you these two daggers for $8 each!"

"Ha!  That's $16!  He's trying to cheat you!" says the first man.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

The two men suddenly go at it with their weapons.

"Gee, it's a shame someone isn't charging admission for this," says Peter.  Instantly, a man runs up with a ticket booth that says, "Axe vs. daggers" and looks for customers.

"Damn," curses Peter.  "Why didn't I think of that?"

"I hope the kids are alright," says Lois.

"Don't worry," says Peter.  "Brian's watching them."

Brian, however, has his attention on a canine sex toy booth.  He's trying to decide between the inflatable poodle or the inflatable human leg.

"Let's see…familiarity or affordability?  Damn!"  Brian frantically scratches himself.  "A dog at a flea market.  I should've seen THAT coming a mile away."

Nearby, Stewie is trying to strike up a deal with a booth operator.

"So, what you're saying is that despite your malicious claim that you're a retailer of weapons, you don't carry any Walter P38 handguns?  What kind of a fraud ARE you?!" exclaims the irate child.

"Maybe you misheard, little boy," says the retailer.  "I said I was selling 'bed pins', not weapons."

Stewie looks alarmed.  "Why the HELL are you selling such an atrocious item?"

"Because they're collector's items, see?" The man takes out a long, sharp metal spike and gives it to Stewie.  (Not a good idea.)  "This one's from the 18th century.  It used to keep the mattress attached to the bed frame."

Stewie takes the large pin and looks it over.  Then, with unnatural speed, he jabs the pin into the back of the man's hand that was resting on the table.  The man howls with pain.

"Well, now this pin keeps you attached to your booth!  You disgust me."  He walks off.

Meanwhile, Chris and Meg are walking past some exhibits.

"Ugh," groans Meg, "I can't believe our parents put us together like this.  This is so unfair."

"Hey look!  Pot!" says Chris.

The kids come up to a booth that says simply "Pot $5".  A black guy is sitting in a chair and surrounded by metal pots; pots hanging from hooks, pots on the floor, even pots that are face-down on the booth itself.

"Oh, c'mon, Chris," says Meg.  "This is just that gag from that 'Scooby Doo' movie all over again.  C'mon, let's go somewhere else."

They walk off.  An old woman walks up to the booth and says, "Excuse me, young man…can I buy a pot?"

The black dude reaches under one of the pots on the booth and pulls out some marijuana leaves.  He gives them to the woman, who puts them in her purse.  She gives the man five bucks.

"Thank you, young man," says the old woman and walks off.

"Wow, Chris, look!" says Meg suddenly.  She runs over to a booth that says 'Quahog Cellular.' (Cut me some slack, guys.  If I use any real company names, I'll get sued.  It happened once before.)  The booth is covered with cell phones and accessories.

"Wow, I've always wanted my own cell phone," says Meg.  "It sure would be a lot better than that portable phone Dad once gave me."

(Instant flashback)  "Hey, Meg," says a fellow student outside Meg's school.  "Isn't your Dad supposed to come pick you up?"

Meg sighs.  "I'd better call him."  She unzips her backpack and throws something rubber to the ground.  It inflates into a phone booth.  Meg gets in and dials her home number.

"Dad, could you come pick me up?"

"Sure, Meg.  Where are you and how much do you weigh again?"

"I'm in front of my school Dad, and I mean pick me up in the car."

"I'm sorry, honey, I don't think I could pick up the car even with you in it.  It's just too heavy."

Meg groans and hangs up, but the phone rings again.  "Hello?" asks Meg.

"If you hang up the phone, I will kill you," says Kiefer Sutherland's voice.

(Flashback ends)  Meg walks up to the cell phone booth.

"And how can I help you, young lady?" asks the retailer.  "Wait, wait, let me guess, you want a cell phone, right?"   

"Wow, Meg, he's a psychic!" shouts Chris.  "He read your mind!"  He turned to the retailer.  "Hey, guess what I'm thinking!"  Chris closes his eyes.

The retailer sees an Oriental walk by the booth.  "Hey, Pu!" he says.  Chris opens his eyes in amazement. 

"Hey, Stan," says Pu.

"Wow," says Chris to his sister.  "He really IS a psycho!  He read my mind!  I gotta lie down."  Chris walks over to the next booth, which is selling recliners.  Chris lies back in one of the recliners.  The salesman, who is a man with long, blonde hair, storms up to him.

The recliner salesman says, "Hey, who do you think you are?!"

"Uh…I'm a boy.  That's who I think I am.  What about you?  I think your long hair makes you look like a girl.  That's who I think you are.  Ha ha, this is fun!  Let's play again!"

Back at the cell booth, Stan says, "So, ma'am, what kind of a cell phone do you want?"

"One that'll keep me in touch with my family, I guess," says Meg.

"Well, then I suggest the full-body cell phone center.  This plastic cocoon will keep you free from any kind of interference guaranteed…and it comes with a FREE PHONE!"

"Um, how am I supposed to breathe in that thing?"

"…uh…you know what?" says Stan, throwing the plastic thing over his shoulder.  "I don't think a cell phone is right for you.  You should try the wonders of the world wide web, because Quahog Cellular is also this area's most reliable Internet service provider!"

"But I already HAVE a dial-up Internet connection," says Meg.

"And it comes with a FREE PHONE!"

"Hmmm…"

"Wait, did you say 'dial-up'?  HA!  Dial-up is for hookers and poor people.  What you need, uh, what was your name again?"

"Meg."

"Right.  What you need, Meg, is the power of broadband.  Think about it."  Stan leans over and grabs Meg's shoulder.  "There you are…traveling the information superhighway at fifty times the speed of dial-up.  You're watching TV-quality streaming video, having a webcam conversation with your overseas penpal, and listening to the latest single by that group what's-their-name…all at the same time.  And you can watch all the por-…I mean, portable…cell phone sites all day and all night."

"Wow," says Meg dreamily.

"And it comes with a FREE PHONE!"

"Like this one?" asks Chris.  He looks at it and says, "Wow, it looks like a Klondike bar!"  He attempts to chew on it.

"Don't chew the merchandise, kid," shouts Stan, "or you'll have a cell phone tree coming out of your ears!"        

Chris spits out the phone.  "Oh, God!  Now I'm gonna germinate!  I'll grow a moustache and turn into a Nazi!"  (He thinks he said "German-ate".)  He continues coughing and gagging.

"Just sign here," says Stan and gives Meg a contract.

"There you are!" says Lois.  She and Peter walk up to the booth.  We were looking all over for you!"

(Instant flashback)  "Peter, can you see them?"  She looks up as Peter hangs from the rafters by his arms.

"No, I don't…whoa!"  Peter is now hanging onto the beam by one hand.

Suddenly, Tweety flies onto the rafter.  One by one, he takes each of Peter's fingers off the beam.

"This widdle piddy went to mawket…this widdle piddy stayed home…this widdle piddy had woast beef…and this widdle piddy…"

"AAAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!" shouts Peter.  A crash soon follows.

"Well, whaddya know.  Ran out of piddies," says Tweety.

CHOMP!  Sylvester eats Tweety in one bite and continues walking along the beam.

(Flashback ends)  "Mom, I have great news," says Meg excitedly.  "I've signed us all up for broadband!"

"Broadband!" exclaims Lois.  "Isn't that a little expensive?"

"Don't worry, ma'am," says Stan.  "It's only $19.99 a month."  Stan then starts a coughing fit.  As that happens, he coughs out the words, "for first two months".

"Yeah, I was in a broad band once," says Peter.

(Instant flashback)  Peter's a fat teenager at a fat camp.  He's in a marching band surrounded by other fat kids.  He's in uniform and is holding a triangle.  The band stops playing, indicating that Peter's supposed to hit the triangle…but Peter's asleep!  A kid knocks him awake.  Peter bangs the stick against the triangle madly as he yells, "AUGH!!!  Come and get it!!!!  Sooooowweeeeeee!!!!  Here, pig pig pig pig pig!!!!" 

(Flashback ends)  "No, Dad," says Meg, "I mean we're gonna replace our old Internet connection with a high-speed broadband connection!"  
"What?!" exclaims Peter.  "But I love our old Internet connection!  I love the slow speed and hours of downloading time!  I love how whenever you log on it sounds like a Bugs Bunny cartoon!"

"But it's fast!" says Meg.

"It sounds efficient," says Lois.

"And it comes with a FREE PHONE!" adds Stan.

"A free phone, hmm?" says Peter with interest.  "Wow, a free phone.  There's nothing cooler than a free phone…unless it's a free TV…or free beer…or free beer AND a free TV."

"Peter," whispers Lois into his ear.  "I think it would be nice if we gave Meg that free phone.  She has been wanting one for a while."

"Aw, but Lois, I've always wanted to get the hang of using a cell phone."

(Instant flashback)  Peter's on a city bus when suddenly his cell phone vibrates.  Peter begins whooping and laughing and doing this weird dance until the phone falls out of his pocket.

"Oh, thank god.  I thought this was a sex toy," he told the guy next to him.

"This is my stop," says the guy.

Peter flips open the phone.  "Heheheheh.  This is like the phaser Picard uses on the Enterprise.  Pshoo-pshoo!"  He imitates Picard using a phaser. 

Peter accidentally presses a button on speed-dial.  He holds the phone up to his ear in curiosity.

"We're sorry.  The number you have dialed is no longer in service.  Please check the number and dial again."

Peter throws down the phone and crushes it over and over again with his foot.

"Stupid Borg.  Resistance ISN'T futile!  Ha ha ha!!!"  He suddenly sees all the bus passengers looking at him and sits down.  "Ha," he says quietly to the remains.

(Flashback ends)  "C'mon, Peter, it'll make Meg happy," begs Lois.

"Oh, alright," admits Peter.  "Meg, you can have this broadband installed."

"Oh, thank you, Daddy.  I love you," Meg says throwing her arms around Dad.

"Is this installation free?" asks Lois.

"Oh, absolutely," says Stan.  "Someone will be over at your house later today to install it."  He begins another coughing fit and coughs, "Expect a large tip."

"OK, Chris, Lois, Meg," counts Peter.  "Hey, where's Stewie?"

"Well, little boy," says another flea marketer nearby.  "The smallest flamethrower I got is this perfume-lighter combo.  Perfect for in-school suspension raids and subway cars."

"No, no, no," complains Stewie.  "That just isn't what I'm going for.  I was thinking of something like…that one."

"The Super Pyro 6000?"  A giant flamethrower that looks like a cross between a leaf blower, a super soaker, and a Volkswagon sits up on a shelf, which takes up most of the space on that part of the wall.  "You could torch a cow with that in five seconds!"

"Excellent.  So, do we have a dea-…Hey!"

"C'mon, Stewie," says Lois, picking up her son in her arms.  "It's time to go."

"Let me go, you foul wench.  I demand to receive what is rightfully mine!"  Stewie glares at the flamethrower salesman.  "Mark my words, sir.  I shall return."  He narrows his eyes and the evil music crescendos.

"Hey, Brian, c'mon!" yells Peter.  "We're leaving!"

"Could you hang on, Peter?" shouts Brian.  "I'm a little…busy right now."

"Doing what?" yells Peter.

"…Realizing that these inflatable, uh, things don't stay very, um, inflatable for long!"

"Well, hurry up, will you?"  Peter sighs.  "Sheesh, I'll be glad to get out of this flea market.  I mean, who was the lamebrain who thought up of the name 'flea market' anyway?"

(Instant flashback)  "Wow," says an old man in an old, 1800s town who just happens to be the lamebrain in question…and who bears an uncanny resemblance to Peter Griffin!  "This was a brilliant idea!  All the townsfolk have come together for a great big sale of items.  I should call this a 'sale market'!  No, that sounds too obvious.  How about, a 'get-together market'?  No, too provocative."

"Hey, Grandpa," says the man's grandson.  "Where can I put your huge collection of rare and exotic fleas that you plan on selling to some brainless fool?"  We see jars and jars filled with the bugs in the boy's wagon.

"Here, give me that wagon.  I'll show you where to put it."  The man wheels the wagon over a rock, causing the whole thing to tip over.  The glass jars break and the fleas swarm out in a giant wave!  The screaming people and the sales booths are covered with fleas!

Nearby, a covered wagon carrying the 'Little House on the Prairie' TV show family ambles by as the theme song plays…that is, until they're all hit by a wave of fleas!!!!  Even the horses!!!!  The three girls run the down the grassy hill (just like on the show), but they're screaming in horror as a tidal wave of fleas washes over them!!!

"Aha!" proclaims Peter's relative.  "I'll call this a 'flea market'!"

Stan enters the scene.  "And it comes with a FREE PHONE!"

(Cut to commercial.)


	2. part 2

(Back to the show)

The doorbell rings at the Griffin house.  Since the whole family is home by now, someone goes to answer the door.  That someone is Peter.

Peter opens the door and an Indian man in overalls stands there with a toolbox.

"Well, it's about time you got here!" says Peter.  "We expected you ten seconds ago!  Now, c'mon, the computer's over here."  

He drags the man over to the computer.  Meg is already there.

Peter says, "Okay, now go ahead and install the broadband so that I can go surfing or driving or whatever it is you're supposed to do down the information freeway thing."

"Internet, Dad," says Meg.

"I know what it's called!" argues Peter.  "I'm not THAT behind in the times."  He looks at the computer screen.  "Hey, what kind of crappy screensaver is this?"

"The computer's turned off, Dad," says Meg.

"I knew that," says Peter.  He turns to the Indian man.  "Well?  What are you just standing there for?  Get to work!  I swear you minorities practically have to be tortured to do anything!"

"I am sorry," says the man in an Indian accent, "but I must take offense of that."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, try doing that after you're done on the computer," says Peter.  "We're paying you by the hour."

"Dad, the installation's free," says Meg.

"OK, we're paying you by the hour, but we're NOT gonna give you any money."

"Excuse me," says a new voice.  A man walks in the room wearing a blue outfit with Quahog Cellular on it and is carrying a toolbox.  "Is that the computer that needs the upgraded connection?"

"What the-…who the hell are you?!" demands Peter.  "And how did you get into my house?"

"I let him in," says Lois, entering the room.  "This is the man who's going to install the broadband connection."

"Oh.  Well…then, who the hell are you?!" Peter says to the Indian man.

"My name is Abu Hakim, and I am asking for directions on where Lowes is so I can return my tools."  He holds up the toolbox.

"Oh.  She's right there," says Peter, who points to his wife.

"Not 'Lois', Peter," says Lois.  "Lowes, the hardware store."  She turns to Abu.  "Come outside, Abu, I'll give you directions."

"Oh, bless you, woman," says Abu.  "May the summer monsoons never harm this blessed establishment!"

He leaves with Lois, passing Chris in the hall.

"Wow!  A real hare-krishna!" says Chris.  He walks over to Abu.  "Hey, why aren't you singing at the airport with your tambourine?" 

"Chris, go pick up your room," says Lois.

"OK, Mom," says Chris.  "I just hope it isn't too heavy."

Later that day, the entire Griffin family gathers around the computer.

"OK, family," says Peter.  "Prepare yourselves for the future of Internet travel!"

"Actually," says Brian, "broadband has been around for a while now.  See, back in '98, the…"

"Sssh," says Peter, "it's starting!"

Everyone stares at the blank screen, the suspense building, until the display suddenly shows the main window of the Griffith family, shortly followed by all the little icons appearing.

"Hey!  What gives?" shouts Peter.  "Where's the Internet?  I knew this whole thing was a big crotch."

"You mean 'crock'," says Brian.

"Huh?  Oh, yeah, that too."

"You need to click on the icon first, dear," says Lois. 

"Yeah, but which one?" asks Peter.  "There's the computer and the recycling bin and…hey, how come the little clock in the corner is four minutes behind?"

"Dad, you need to click on the 'Q' icon over there," says Meg.

Peter does so and suddenly, 'bing!' The Quahog Cellular website pops up!

"Wow!!" shouts Peter.  "That was, oh!  That was, like, I dunno, wow, that, gee, that just, did you see?  It just popped up, like, wow, like it was, I dunno, magic or something!"

The picture fades and we see Peter sitting in the front row of a giant empty concert hall.  On the stage is magician David Copperfield.  As circus music plays, we see David hold up a sheet in front of a giant computer screen with no glass screen.  Peter looks on in wonder as David wiggles his fingers, pulls back the sheet, and instantly, Yahoo.com appears!  Peter claps as David covers the screen again, wiggles his fingers, and pulls back the sheet.  Now, Fox.com appears!  Peter claps again, only louder this time.  David pulls the sheet over again, wiggles his fingers, and pulls back the sheet a third time.  Now, a lion is standing there!  Peter claps once more.  Then, since the screen has no glass, the lion leaps out and attacks David.  Peter laughs as he gives the currently mauled David a standing ovation.

Back at the house, the Griffins all gather around the computer as Peter continues to use it.  As the day wears on, each family member becomes bored and walks off.  Pretty soon, it's night, and Peter's still at the computer.

"Peter, aren't you coming to bed?" asks his wife in the bedroom.

"Aw, but Lois," whines Peter.  "There are so many things I haven't done yet on this broadband thing…like, buying that new oven-grab thing for the oven tray when it gets too hot."

We now see Peter trying to pull out the oven tray with the old oven grabber.  Peter burns his hand because it has lots of holes.  Peter turns to the nearby counter and says, "Which one of you guys would like to help me out?"

The Hamburger Helper glove and the Arby's oven mitt glance at each other.  Each points a thumb at the other.

Lois continues, "Peter, you've been on the computer ever since the broadband connection was installed!  Tomorrow, you should let some of us use it, okay?"

"Oh, alright," says Peter.  He looks at the screen for a moment and says, "So, does this mean I can stay up all night using this?"

"No."

"Oh," says Peter.  He sighs.  "Lemme just finish buying this kidney on Ebay first."

Several days later, it's daytime.  Big whoop.  Lois walks into the kitchen and sees Meg hang up her cell phone.  "Meg, how you do you like your new cell phone?"

Meg sighs.  She holds up the phone to her mother.  It's a black, oblong cube with a tiny antennae coming off the top of it.  Meg opens the phone.  A simple, large-button number pad sits on the bottom half while a small, 8-digit display, like a calculator sits on the top half.

"This phone sucks," says Meg.  "It doesn't play any games or mp3s, it can't go online, and it doesn't have a camera either!  It looks like it was made in 1985!"

"Well, does it work?" asks Lois.

"Yeah," gripes Meg.  "But, unless you enjoy hearing the sound of static, you have to position yourself in the just the right way in order to hear anything."

"Well, that doesn't sound so bad."

"Mom, when Dad saw me using the phone, he thought I was doing a yoga position!"

Chris walks in and says, "Mmm, yogurt!"  He heads to the fridge.

"Well, Meg, now you realize that just because something is free doesn't mean it's good," says Lois.

"I know," says Meg, as she puts the phone down on the kitchen table.  "I just wish I could've read the fine print on that contract."

Stewie, meanwhile, has been sitting in a high chair in the kitchen this whole time.  He has been thinking of ways to go back to that flea market and acquire one of those flamethrowers.  

His eyes suddenly land on the phone on the table, which is standing up, just like the monolith in "2001: A Space Odyssey."  In fact, the first three notes of the movie's theme begin playing as zoom-ins of Stewie and the phone alternate.

"Duhhhhh……duhhhhh……duhhhhh……"

Then…

"DAAAAHHH-DAAAAAAHHH!!!!"

"AUGH!" shouts Stewie, as he covers his ears.  "Damn you mysterious music!  One day, I shall find where you're hiding, and when I do, it will be curtains for you!"

The next day, Brian walks up to Peter using the Internet.  Peter is wearing a microphone headset.

"Hey, Brian, get this," says Peter.  "I downloaded an instant messenger, and I'm about to have a web video chat with Quagmire."

"How do you plan to pull that off without a webcam?" asks Brian.

"Oh, I've got one of those, see?"  Peter points to a round, little webcam atop the monitor.

"Where did you get that?" asks Brian.

"They were giving a demonstration downtown, and so, uh, I got one."

(Instant flashback)  Peter walks into Best Buy and sees a webcam display.

"Hey, can I get one of those?" asks Peter.

"No," says the man behind the desk.

"Please?  Don't worry, I got broadband."

"No."

Peter walks off and comes back wearing a golf outfit and carrying a four iron.  He stands up on the desk and positions his club in front of a golfball-like webcam.

"Fore!"  Peter shouts.  He swings and the webcam goes flying through a large glass window up front with a crash.

"Don't worry, I got Windows too."

(Flashback ends)  "OK, check this out."  Peter clicks the mouse and a video of Quagmire in front of his computer appears."

"Hey, Quagmire!" shouts Peter.

At his house, Quagmire bolts upright in his chair. 

Peter continues.  "How's my neighbor doing today?  Or should it be 'who'?"

A window on Quagmire's computer shows Peter talking to him.  Behind him, the wallpaper shows a nude woman posed diagonally across the screen, but Peter's window covers the woman from her upper thighs to her cleavage.

"Heyyyy, Peter!" says Quagmire quickly.  "What are you doing on Linda?"

"Huh?  I'm doing, I mean, I'm using broadband!  Isn't it cool?  Hey, hey, lemme try something."

Within moments, Cleveland and Joe's windows pop up!  (If this were on TV, you would be seeing the screen divided up into four sections, one for each man, like the Brady Bunch, only funnier.)

"Hey, guys!" says Peter.

"Hey, Peter," says Joe and Cleveland.

"I got broadband!  Ain't it great?" says Peter.

"Really?" asks Joe.  "Cable or DSL?"

"No, on the computer, not the TV."

Cleveland asks, "What kind of broadband is it?  Cable or DSL?"

"Well, uh, gee, I don't really know.  It's fast, let me tell you that."

"I'll say!" says Quagmire.  "It only takes a minute or two to download enough porn to last you through the weekend!  Oh yeah!"

"You get to hear live police signals from cops in Albania!" says Joe.

"And my wife can download recipes in a jiffy," says Cleveland.

"Yeah, it sure…hey," says Peter, "How did you guys get broadband all of a sudden?"

"We all got a 30-day trial run from Quahog Cellular a week ago," says Joe.  "I works pretty well doesn't it, Peter?"

"I'll say.  There's nothing that could possibly get me to leave this computer."

"Same here, yeah, absolutely," says Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland, respectively.

"Yeah," continues Peter.  "We could practically spend the rest of our lives seated in front of this machine, with no one else to talk to but the four of us.  This Internet could practically become our new home.  It kinda takes over your mind after a while, doesn't it?  You just forget about food and water and sex, and you end up cruising down the information superhighway for all eternity."  The eyes of Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland suddenly widen.  Peter continues, "You know, this kinda reminds me of a story about…"

"Uh, I think I hear someone at the door.  I gotta go," says Quagmire.

"Yeah, me too," says Joe.

"Ditto," says Cleveland.  They all log off.

"Aw, c'mon," says Peter.  He turns to Brian.  "Have I really been on for that long?"

Brian is wearing a fake beard and is holding up and earhorn.  "Eh?  Whatcha say, Peter?"

A few days later, the Internet bill arrives.

"Peter, the Internet bill is here," says Lois.

"Just a second, Lois.  I'm playing Sonic Theft Auto Online."  The screen shows a blue hedgehog-ish character getting out of a hijacked car in Libertyopolis, acquiring a gold ring, and suddenly rolling through a police car and several pedestrians in a blue blur.

"Peter, we've had this broadband for almost a week now," says Lois.  "Aren't you the least bit curious about how much this is costing us?"

"Aw man," groans Peter.  An orange fox with three tails flew in from out of nowhere and blasted Peter's character with a bazooka.  The word "Wasted" appears on the screen.  "Okay, Lois, lemme see."

As Peter gets up and follows Lois to the kitchen, Stewie hops in front of the computer and shouts, "Okay, world, prepare to eat my pixilated projectiles!!!"

An envelope is lying on the kitchen table.  As Peter opens it he says, "Boy, this broadband sure has been phenomenal, hasn't it?  The power, the speed, the performance!  It's like driving a hot rod and you're not moving!"  Peter looks at the bill.  "And it only costs us…$349??!!!"

"What?" cries Lois.  "I don't understand!  It shouldn't be that high!"

Meg walks in and says, "What's going on?"

"I'll tell you what's going on," says Peter angrily.  "We're going back to that flea market, and return this broadband thing to that bastard at the same place right now!"

"We are?  Great!" says Meg.  "Can we return my phone too?"

"Of course!  The more money back, the merrier," says Peter.

"Dad, the phone was free," says Meg.

"Aw crap," says Peter.

"Ooo!  Ooo!" announces Stewie, coming into the kitchen.  "I demand to come too!"

"Well, of course, dear," says Lois.  

"Excellent," says Stewie.  He walks out of the room.  "Finally, I have another opportunity to get my motor-skill developed hands on that precious thrower of flame.  And this time no one will stop me.  Not even you."  He looks at you, the reader.

"Who are you talking to?" asks Brian from behind.

"Augh!  Don't do that!" shouts Stewie.  "I swear, when I get that Pyro 6000, you'll be the first to go."

"That's why I'm not going," says Brian.  He walks off.

"Oh.  Well…your loss!" shouts Stewie before he walks off too.

(Cut to commercial)


	3. part 3

(Back to the show)

At the flea market, Peter, Lois, Chris, Meg, and Stewie head towards the Quahog Cellular booth.

Nearby, at another booth, a man is angrily shouting to another man.  "Maybe you didn't hear me the first time, Bill.  We are supposed to be selling refrigerator magnets!"

"Hey, calm down, Mike," says Bill.  He picks up a box filled with little black squares.  "We have the magnets."

Mike says angrily, "They are supposed to be attached to ice cube-sized refrigerators!  And if that isn't enough, you messed up the entire shipment!"  Mike points behind him.  Instead of ice cube-sized refrigerators, Mike and Bill are stuck selling refrigerator-sized ice cubes!

"Well…" says Bill.  "We could change our sign to 'Igloo parts'.  How about that?"

Mike whacks Bill upside the head.

At about this time, the Griffins approach the cellular phone booth.  They are surprised to find their neighbors already there!  Joe in his wheelchair, Cleveland, and Quagmire are busy arguing with Stan.

"Now, guys!  Guys, just calm down," says Stan desperately.

"Calm down?!" shouts Joe.

"How can you expect us to pay this huge fee?" demands Cleveland.

"Yeah!" agrees Quagmire.  "Your service made my computer crash and all my porn got deleted!"

"And what about my daughter's cell phone?" barges in Peter.  "You call this fossilized dino dung a form of communication?  More like a form of outdated…uh…outdated-ness to me!"  Peter's friends agree.

"Kids," says Lois, "why don't you head over to that booth over there while your father and I work things out, okay?"

"Sure, Mom," says Chris and Meg.  They take Stewie to a booth that's selling books.  

Stewie does a double take and smiles evilly as he sees the beloved flamethrower booth right next to the book booth.  "Excellent.  Now all I need is to distract those two simpletons."  Stewie points to a bookrack and says to his older siblings, "Look!  It's Harry Potter and a book on used gum!"

"Where?!" says Meg and Chris.  They run over to the bookcase as Stewie sneaks over to the Super Pyro 6000.

Back at the Quahog Cellular booth, Stan throws up his hands in protest.  "People, please!  The payment you received is the one you have to pay for the trial-run!"

More protesting erupts until Lois says, "What do you mean, 'trial-run'?"

"Well," says Stan.  "Quahog Cellular is only a local service for both cell phone and Internet use.  We are not nationally certified to provide service outside the state of Rhode Island.  Plus, this company came to light only two months ago.  The contracts you all signed were for a trial version of the services that we provide.  After the first month, the net totals are calculated and are compared to other services that…"

"Oh, screw all that!" interrupts Peter.  "You just want our money!"

"Yeah!" says Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland.

"Hey, you signed the contract and…" began Stan.

"Now, wait just a minute!" says Lois.  She sticks a finger in Stan's bony chest.  "One, my daughter Meg is the one who signed that contract and she wasn't aware of all the 'fine print' that you obviously forgot to point out.  And two, we are all here to cancel our Internet and cell phone subscriptions immediately!  We don't need to pay anything for your Communist bull crap.  We...-!!"

"Sheesh, calm down, Lois," says Peter.  "Remember last Christmas."

"Peter, if you had just put the paper towels where they were supposed to go, I might not have gone all crazy."

"Let me handle it now, okay?" asks Peter.  Not waiting for a response, Peter shoves his wife aside and stares at Stan with pleading eyes.  "Sir, I beseech you.  What kind of example are you setting for our children?  Sure, Meg was dumb enough not to read the fine print, but she's dumb at a lot of things."  (Meanwhile, at the book booth, Meg is teaching the old woman running the book booth how to alphabetize her entire inventory and set up a spreadsheet on weekly incomes on her computer.)  

"And sure, Chris isn't very bright either, but one day, his accomplishments will be adored by millions."  (Meanwhile, at the book booth, Chris is tearing pictures out of a cookbook and is eating them.)  

"And what about our baby, Stewie, who loves all of us from the bottom of his pwecious wittle heart?"  (Meanwhile, at the book…I mean, flamethrower booth, the booth owner is in the bathroom, and Stewie is pouring gasoline into the flamethrower, which is pointed straight at Lois.)

"Sir," says Stan, sickly.  "Your cutesy-talk won't work on me."

"Well, then," says Peter, cracking his knuckles.  "Looks like I'll have to get tough."

With a snap of his fingers, Stan summons a 7'10" giant of a man who's one of the flea market security guards.  

"Uh, did I say tough?" stammers Peter.  "I meant, rough…I mean, buff…I mean, nuff!"

"Peter," says Cleveland.  "Nuff isn't a word."

"Well, sure it is!" says Quagmire.  "How about 'once is never a nuff?'  Awright!"

"Look!" says Stan with finality.  "You all have to pay the amount you received and that's final!"

It was the sentence Joe was waiting for.  To everyone's surprise, he leaned forward and used his right arm to push himself out of his wheelchair.  Joe brought out his left arm and flashed his police badge in Stan's face.

"Sir," says Joe.  "As an officer of the law, I should remind you that City Ordinance 421.75.324 clearly states that any person or persons who charges a consumer an unlawful amount of money without beforehand mentioning all the conditions that apply, including fine print and IRS audits, are subject to immediate imprisonment and a fine of $500."

Stan looks stunned.

But Joe isn't through yet.  "I should also mention that allowing a minor to sign a contract is a federal offense that could lead to a much larger fine than the one I just mentioned."

Stan begins sweating.  He clears his throat.  "Look, uh, tell you what.  How about I take all of your contracts, throw them all away, and forget this whole thing happened.  Wouldja like that?"

So Stan took the contracts and put them through one of the shredders that were being sold in the adjacent booth.

If you think now is the time I say "and they all lived happily ever after", guess again.  At that moment, back at Bill and Mike's booth, disaster struck.  In his angry state, Mike had called a delivery truck to take away the huge blocks of ice.  (He was using a cell phone that looked a lot like Meg's, which only made the guy angrier.)  As the last block of ice was being hauled aboard, the ropes snapped.  Now, a fridge-sized block of ice was zooming down the flea market aisle.

"Look out!" says Peter.  Everyone gasps as the block of ice heads straight for Lois!

At this moment, Stewie lets out a war cry.  "AAA-hahahahahahaha…whoa!"

Stewie has finally found the Super Pyro 6000's trigger, aims the weapon at his mother, and pulls the trigger.  That's what the "AAA-hahahahahahaha" was for.  Unfortunately, the incredible weight of the flamethrower is too much for Stewie to handle.  The "whoa!" is Stewie losing his balance.  The flamethrower's flame is no longer aimed at Lois.  Instead, the flames fire directly at the moving block of ice.

Needless to say, the immense heat of the flame melts the ice so quickly that by the time it reaches Lois, it's the size of a regular ice cube.  The ice softly makes contact with Lois's shoe with a 'ding' sound.

"My god!" says Peter.  "Lois, you were almost flattened!"

"Ahem," says an old man with a moustache.  He's the owner of the flamethrower booth.  He holds up a squirming Stewie by the back of his red suspenders.  "This your kid?"

"Stewie!" says Lois.  She takes the child and hugs him.  "You saved your mommy's life!"

"What?!  NO!  I…you were…lemme go…I…BLAST!!!!"

"Okay," said Stan, trying to become the center of attention again.  "Folks, just to show you how nice a guy I am, could I interest any of you in our cheaper dial-up services?  It's affordable…and it comes with a FREE PHONE!"

Everyone's silent.  Then Lois says sweetly, "Oh, that reminds me.  I almost forgot to return Meg's phone to you."

"Oh?" says Stan.  "Well, let me have it!"

"Alright."

POW!  Lois shoves the phone into Stan's mouth so hard he falls over backwards.

All the men applaud…even the big security guard guy.

"Okay, everyone," announces Peter.  "Let's all go home and switch to AT&T!"

"Yeah!" answers everyone.

Chris sees Stan on the floor with the phone in his mouth.  "Ha!  I _knew_ it was a Klondike bar!"

The Griffins are all back home now.  They're watching "I Love Lucy" on TV.

"Hey, Rick," says Fred Mertz to Ricky.  "I'm here to collect this month's rent.  I plan to give Ethel a new girdle."

"Well, how much is it?" asks Ricky.

"About as big as the state will allow."

"I mean the rent money."

"Oh!"  The audience laughs.  "About $300."

"$300?!  Aye-yi-yi-yi-yi!" complains Ricky.  "Well, it looks like I'll have to sic my big attack shark on you!"

"What?" asks Fred.

"Oh, Sharkie!" calls out Ricky.

A huge shark leaps out of nowhere and bites Fred in the arm.  "AAAAAAA!!!!"

Lucy leans into the scene and goes, "Eeeww."  The audience laughs.

Peter sighs to himself.  "Ahh, it's great to have things back to normal.  We still have dial-up, we still get junk mail, and we can get back to using our home phone without all those annoying inconveniences."

Just then, the phone rings.  Peter answers it.  

"Hello?…um, yes I can hear you now."  He hangs up.

A second later it rings again.  Peter answers it.

"Hello?…I just told you!  I do hear you now!"  He slams the phone back down.

The phone rings a third time.  Peter picks it up and shouts, "Look, you bastard, stop calling here…and, yes, I DO HEAR YOU NOW!"  He slams the phone again.

The phone rings again.  Peter picks it up and says,  "OK, punk, let me ask _you_ a question…where are you now?"

The Verizon guy tells Peter where he is.  "Can you hear me now?"

For once, there's no answer!

"…Can you hear me now?"

Still no answer.

"Can you…"

POW!  Peter comes up and punches the Verizon guy in the face.  The man falls to the ground.

Peter stares down at the guy.  "Can you hear ME now?"

The Verizon guy, now with broken glasses, a busted phone, and a black eye, nods his head.

Triumphantly, Peter crosses his arms.  "Good."

[Cue end credits]

Family Guy…coming back to Fox (hopefully) Jan. 2005.  Our prayers have been answered.


End file.
